Closure and Exhaustion

Today I had my last appointment with our perinatologist, and while it was sad to say goodbye to him, it also provided some of the closure on the pregnancy and birth that I needed. He spent a ton of time talking through the birth with me -- what happened from the medical perspective and also wanting to hear how it all went from my perspective of unmedicated precipitous labor with uterine tearing (OUCH!). All in all, it was really nice to say goodbye to all of the staff who we had gotten to know over the past few months, and send them all a big THANK YOU shout out which I did by bringing Saint Cupcake treats.

Alexander has been working so, so much the past two weeks, and it is starting to wear on me (him, too, I am sure). I feel like I am a single parent to three small children, and the only things saving me from complete collapse due to exhaustion is the midday nap "gift" I have chosen to give myself each day. This is all exacerbated by the c-section healing that is more painful and so much slower than I remember with Anina -- by the time the day is through, the incision is screaming in pain....argh....hope this gets better soon. My fingers are crossed that Zander finds his way through this professional conundrum and comes out of the other side with more time and energy for our family. Ugh. I shouldn't be complaining at all since his job is the reason that I am able to take leave right now and stay home with the kids....I know that and fully understand it. I just know how much fun we have when we are doing all of this together and I am sad for us all that he isn't able to be present at the moment.

Yeesh, must sleep now. Luka is curled up next to me in bed and squeaking like the little newborn that he is. Zander fell asleep with Miles and will likely remain there all night. Na ja, off to dreamland.

WOW....this is (mostly) FUN!

Happy belated one-month birthday to Luka!!!! Somehow I cannot believe that we have made it to the one month mark and that we are actually ENJOYING this time of having a newborn with two other children in tow. It hasn't been all easy breezy, but looking at the big picture of things (crazy pregnancy and birth, painful c-section recovery, young children who tend to freak out with change, Zander working too much, etc.) it has been a million times easier and more enjoyable than I expected.

We managed to take Luka on his very first hike last weekend -- a gloriously sunny Saturday hike to the Gorge -- and had to laugh when we realized that this was the same hike we took Anina on the day after she was released from the NICU. Must be something attracting us to Wahclella Falls on days where we are introducing newborns to their first hikes! We didn't get very far down the trail, and pretty much just ended up throwing stones in the river, having a picnic, and basking in the sunshine teaser of what is soon to come (yay summer!). I have to laugh at myself that this all feels like a huge accomplishment with three children: "First hike with three kids in tow? Yep, we did it and it was fun! Getting everyone fed and out the door alone while Zander was working? Yep, I did it and didn't die or lose it in the process....yay, success! Get Miles and Anina to sleep on my own while holding/nursing Luka? Yep, I did it and it wasn't horribly difficult!" Sooooo, clearly it is the little things right now....the little successes and the realization that this is FUN. I have to say that so far (knock on lots of wood) this transition to 3 little monkeys has been so much easier than either the transitions from 0-1 or from 1-2...not sure why. I am enjoying every moment so much more than I remember with Miles and Anina's babyhood....maybe because it's probably the last time, maybe because we're already so far gone that there isn't anything additional to stress about, maybe because Luka is still so calm and easy. Regardless, I am so grateful.

Beginning next week Miles and Anina will only be going to preschool part time, which means there will be much more time for adventures with Mama and Luka. I'm psyched! For the first time in many, many moons, I feel like I have given myself the freedom to not "accomplish" anything. I have no goals for the next 6 months other than having fun, exploring the world with these kiddos, and enjoying our family. I do feel like this is a gift that Luka has given me, and while I would like to ruminate more on that here, I'm still figuring it out. Something about the way he came to be (what? No trying to conceive?!? No charting, temping, fertility interventions!?!?!?), his crazy time in utero that required me to take life down 1000 notches and ask for help from friends and family just to keep the family machine running, and the very obvious miracle that is this child....well, if I can't slow down and enjoy THIS, that what is the point!?!?! We sat down yesterday and made a huge list of all of the adventures we want to go on this summer....Miles and Anina have it all planned out, and I'm just coming along for the ride. Wwweeeeyoooo!

I'm also trying to figure out the scene for late summer/fall commuting via cargo bike, and can't quite envision how this can work with 3 kids and the inevitable pacific NW rain. I would love suggestions if anyone has them, as our current set up -- the Surly Big Dummy -- can haul three kids, but I am looking for a more enclosed option. Maybe a cargo trike?

Off to snuggle with my Zander and our littlest guy. Sweet, sweet times these are!

Sunshine!!

It's a sunny Friday morning and four whole weeks since Luka's birth, and somehow in the wacky way that time has of playing tricks on us, the pregnancy and birth already feel so, so far away. That is both a relief and a sadness....what an insane paradox....a postpartum mishmash of feeling and emotion and yearning. All, of that said, Luka continues to be an absolute joy and gem....he eats and sleeps and asks for little more than cuddles and love. It has been a very good transition, and while I know this will change soon as he begins to wake to the world, I appreciate this time to learn how to "do" three children. Thankfully, Miles and Anina have been nothing but loving, gentle and interested in Luka. Zander's first week back at work since the birth has been intense and stressful, so he hasn't been able to be around much this week. That was hard, hard, hard for everyone....but, again, I'm so grateful for friends who know the right time to call, stop by, or drag my healing body out for a walk, as this had made the week a positive, good one.

This is a photo of me in triage a few days before Luka was born....I was having contractions every 2 minutes for days, so we finally decided to head into the hospital and ended up getting fully admitted. This photo makes me happy -- lots of excitement, expectation, relief, and many, many hours of sitting there with Alexander having some quiet time. I don't really know why this photo is speaking to me today, but it is. It makes no sense, but somehow I am sad that the pregnancy and birth has passed....what a transient, special time.

Moving on, though! It's sunny and it's almost the weekend, and for the first time in a very long time I am feeling physically well enough to head out for a hike or maybe even hop on the bike for a short ride...weeeyoooo! We are all ready for the weekend, and are looking forward to sunshine, outdoors, and some serious easter egg hunting! Here is a crazy photo of what nursing an infant with 2 other little ones around looks like. Anina is nursing the statue of "Jeez," our resident Jesus figure.

And, finally, we were able to get everyone in one place for the split second it took to take this one. Here they all are....Easter basket on heads and all! What an insane existence we are living!

THIS is what it looks like!

I'm too tired to write much tonight....but this photo says it all! C.R.A.Z.Y. Crazy times, but we are crazy in love with ALL of these little creatures!

Luka reached 6 pounds today...woohooo for mama milk! We also got the green light to stop fortifying his breastmilk with additional calories, and he can now go to the breast at will with only 1-2 additional bottle feeds per day. We are on our way!!! We baked a fine, fine baby this time around!

We are doing it!

The past few days have been a bit of a blur, as Luka was able to come home to us last Friday, April 8th! We are so happy to have him home and are also really happy that he is still in the sleepy newborn stage where he essentially falls asleep after eating a meal and sleeps until the next one. I think we were both a little terrified to head into the weekend with the newness of managing three children, but thankfully, we pulled it off with little incident (well, other than a pretty good dose of exhaustion!). It feels so good to have him home from the NICU. There is something so, so weird about walking around in the postpartum period without the baby you just gave birth to....it's unnatural and disorienting and just plain sad. So, here we are....trying to figure out how this whole new life works together, and I think it is going to be a very good life we have built. Here is a photo of Luka's first walk....in the April sunshine, no less!

Miles and Anina are completely enamored by their new brother and are finding it fun to hold him, help feed him, get the breast pump parts together, and pretty much anything else they can do to "help" out. They are acting out in other ways, though....a lot of teasing each other, breaking down for no apparent reason, and generally being hard little critters to parent right now. I'm sure we'll all get back on track sooner or later....can we have sooner, please? They will be going to preschool only 3 days/week beginning in May, so I'm really looking forward to having them all home a bit more while we plan some adventures together as a family (I'm also a little scared at how I'll manage them all alone, but at least we have a little more time to get those ducks in a row!). Here is a picture of Anina "helping out" with the breastpump....oh, wait, she's actually pumping herself!

Alexander has been off of work for the past two weeks, and I'm already panicking a bit about him returning to work next week. Somehow having this time with my mom and then with him home to help me recover has been very, very sweet and loving. Being on my own during the day next week -- the 3-4th week after Luka's birth -- I will be headed even further into my own recovery, which has been slower than I would have expected. I was doing great those first 2 weeks, but think I might have overdone it physically (hard not to do with 2 other kiddos!), which set me back a bit. At any rate, the emotions are still raging somewhat and I still find myself teary about the poignancy of Luka's pregnancy, birth, and entrance into this world. Somehow the experience of creating another little person is so huge and so transient that it's hard to just hold onto what that feels like. And I never want to forget what that feels like, because it is incredible. Even with all of the pregnancy complications and bedrest and craziness of the whole deal, it was still a huge....and now we have this sweet, perfect little baby next to us...how is that possible!?!?!?

We are HOME!!!

Today we brought Luka home from the hospital and are finally all under one roof!! While Luka's NICU stay was much easier than Anina's extended one, we still had all sorts of emotions flying this morning as we drove to the hospital one last time to bring our baby home. I'm still feeling a little weepy just typing this! It is a gorgeous, sunny day in Portland....almost like the sun came out just for Luka's homecoming! Here are some photos from today. We are looking forward to staying close to home this weekend as we all get to know our new son and brother! YAY!

We are getting closer!

Well, Luka is getting very, very close to coming home and we are ecstatic!! The doctor called today after our morning visit to let us know that she thinks he will be headed home either this Friday or Saturday....wooohoooo!!!!! He has really turned a corner in his ability to eat on his own without falling asleep, so if he can continue to take the minimum amount of milk in the next 12 hours (overnight), he will be on his way to his crazy family and into all of our arms. And, the little guy had his feeding tube removed today, so now we can see his gorgeous little face (above) without any tubes or otherwise. A big day all around.

Both Zander and I are in the process of writing Luka's birth story and will share an abbreviated version here as soon as we are able to complete them, but in the meantime, I wanted to share a couple of photos of the past few weeks. My Mom, Alma, flew in the night before Luka's birth and was an absolute lifesaver. She cared for Miles and Anina extensively during those last few days of hospital bedrest, the birth, and the extended postpartum hospital stay and was truly the glue that kept our family together. Sadly, she won't be here for Luka's homecoming -- and it makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it, because right now I really want my own mother nearby -- but we hope to have her back in the coming weeks so that she can meet him again on his own turf.

The list of people who have been extraordinary just continues to grow, and we have again realized the power of a strong community. To be on the receiving end of so much love, care, and thoughtfulness is such a gift and has made Luka's welcome into this world so much easier. Every other night a meal is delivered to our doorstep by one of our closest friends, and not only is this nurturing nutritionally, but has nurtured us in so many other ways. I won't go into all of the magical things that have occurred in the past few weeks -- brought on by the amazing people in our lives -- but suffice it to say that, yet again, we are humbled by the outpouring of love and realize how lucky we are to live in this place surrounded by so much goodness. Here is a picture of our good friend, Erin, being accosted by Miles after she delivered an incredible meal last night. Erin holds a special place in our hearts for many reasons. (And she basically lived with me those last few days in the antepartum section of the hospital...oh, and snuck in some good coffee, too! Thank God.)

So there you go....the ruminations for the day. I'm still feeling like a weepy, sensitive woman in the postpartum period, but am trying to embrace it and know that it is the last time I will ever experience this sort of emotional intensity brought on by the hugeness of birth. Just typing that makes me teary....on, yeesh...more on that topic soon. Off to bed to dream about bringing home the sweetest little 5 pounder on earth!

Learning to eat is HARD WORK

Today felt wonderful. Alexander has taken the week off even though Luka is still in the NICU, and it was a day of regrouping, resting, focusing on all that has happened the past few months, and on where we would like the next few months to go. I had to laugh at how a coffee date with Zander at the hospital cafeteria felt like a real date, and we both spent a lot of time playing with the idea of how wonderful it would be to have a year or more off of work together. It's hard to compare the US system of maternity/paternity leave with that of Germany without feeling like we are doing something wrong or living in the wrong place. The hugeness of a birth brings up a lot of ruminations, and somehow today seemed to focus on the fact that we are only given one life to live, so we'd better LIVE it well. Having our three sweet children is definitely a step towards living our dream....now we need to figure out the next step. Whew.

Today was also a day of rest. Attempting to breastfeed a baby in the NICU brings all sorts of challenges, and my milk supply was beginning to wane over the past couple of days. I finally allowed myself to nap during the daytime while letting Zander take over all of the other responsibilities and it was DREAMY. Add to this an extraordinary meal delivered by loving friends, and the milk problem seems to be taking care of itself. Luka was so excited by all of the milk today that he decided to latch on and not let go...he had his biggest milk day yet: 24 mL in one feeding! Felt like a huge success to me.

We still don't know when Luka will be coming home to be with us, but for now are just taking it day by day and trying to use this time to recover from the birth, get our house in order for his arrival, and otherwise decompress from a very stressful last couple months of pregnancy. Here are a couple of photos of the past few weeks in the Life of Miles and Anina....and also one of Luka doing the newborn thing.

Luka is here and we are now a family of FIVE!!

With the arrival of Luka, we have decided to restart our former blog in hopes of posting more frequently and keeping our far away friends and family a little more up-to-date on our daily adventures. Whew...what an incredible past few months we have had....I don't even know where to begin. I guess it all should start with the most exciting thing for our family this year...

We welcomed Luka Alexander into our lives on Thursday, March 24th at 2:44am in Portland, Oregon!! He weighed 5 lbs, and 0.4 ounces and was born at 33 weeks and 6 days gestation. Even with his prematurity he belted out some strong, loud cries upon being born, which was the most comforting thing we had heard in weeks. This is a photo of Luka in the NICU within the first hour of his birth. He had quite the bruised, conehead from his last few weeks and days in utero...poor little guy. I think it is going to take some time to process all that happened in those last 2 months or so of pregnancy, as it certainly wasn't without drama. That said, the gratitude we feel to have Luka in this world is hard to put into words....I hope to be able to come closer to capturing some of this soon, as it strikes deep and is very much a part of our story. I still wake up feeling like the luckiest person alive to have Zander in my life and to have be given these three (THREE!!!!) children to know and grow with. I am living my dream and am so, so grateful.

I think I will leave it here for now and pick up again with a more complete story of Luka's entry into the world tomorrow.